P.S. I can't hear my feet
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
