Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
