Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
