hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
