if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
