go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Moan for me like Helen Keller
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
