Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
