I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
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