First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
