How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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