i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Randomize
