Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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