the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
