i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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