I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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