Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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