Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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