why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I deserve this hangover.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
