I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
