dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize