Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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