turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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