Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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