at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
