Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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