My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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