i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
