At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I still have a little drunk in my system
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
