Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
