a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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