i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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