I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I have fence marks all over my body
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