how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize