By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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