Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
