Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
