Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
