new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
