i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
