i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
