Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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