i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
