I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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