I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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