Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
