Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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