First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
