haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
