I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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