so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
