i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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