your parents love me but you hate me
You just made me feel so damn special
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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