I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
