Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
