when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
